“Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we will ever do.”

This quote is framed on my bedroom wall, a reminder to keep loving myself through the process of owning all the parts of my story.

I have walked through the heartache of my younger brother’s death and faced the questions related to my estranged birth father. While each of these difficulties required intense work and internal healing, there was one chapter of my life I kept far away from as the thick feeling of shame felt too heavy to face. 

I Faced The Shame

At 14, I was “betrothed” to my much older youth pastor. Everything that sounds wrong about that statement was wrong. I was spiritually and sexually abused and lost a good portion of my formative teen years, isolated from my peer group. I had normalized, blamed myself, and eventually disassociated from the experience as much as possible, locking it away for decades.

Through Brene´ Brown’s work, I learned shame thrives in secrecy, silence, and judgment. It loses its power when it’s met with empathy. Having built shame resilience around this particular chapter of my life, I started to see perhaps I wasn’t responsible for what happened to me. I finally saw it for what it was. It was abuse, and it was predatory. 

A short time later, I watched “Abducted In Plain Sight” and immediately recognized the pattern of manipulation and coercion. I had the very alarming realization that the abuser, in that case, continued to abuse. It was then I decided to come forward and report to the authorities to keep my abuser from potentially harming others. What happened to me could NOT happen to someone else.

I Came Forward

I reported. That process could be a story all on its own. Figuring out who to report to and how without trauma-informed staff was challenging. I eventually found an amazing advocate. (Note to other survivors and survivor supporters, find the advocate first!) I initially reported in early 2019, and the case was eventually referred to Pennsylvania’s Attorney General’s office. They worked with the PA state police to investigate, and charges were finally filed in April 2021.

News stations across the region covered the story, which circulated among friends, family, and religious and anti-religious circles.

“AG Shapiro Charges Former Bradford County Youth Pastor”

“Former Bradford County youth pastor charged for sexually abusing teen girl”

“Youth pastor who was ‘betrothed’ to 14-year old girl charged with sexual abuse”

Although many people in my life knew I was that 14-year-old, I didn’t speak publicly until now. This is my story. It doesn’t hold the same shame it once did. I’ve done my work, and I know I wasn’t responsible for what happened to me. 

There are those who still believe I should let it go, but I will not. Fenton needs to be held accountable. Acknowledgment of harm still has to be made. My parents have apologized (profusely) and are part of my healing process, but they weren’t the only adults who had an influence in my life at that time. The church still hasn’t formally acknowledged me; I’m not holding my breath. (Their attorneys most likely recommend they don’t acknowledge anything. Ironic how doing the just and moral thing only matters when it serves the church best.)

It’s Not Just About Me

While this story is my story, it’s not just about me and what happened to me. There was an entire system of beliefs that supported the environment that was not only conducive but also kept me silenced for so long. If you’ve seen the recent docuseries, “Shiny Happy People: Duggar Family Secrets,” you know I wasn’t the only young woman introduced to the concept of courtship and betrothal, or marrying young in an effort to ensure sexual purity. Many of my peers married young and now have a thing or two to say about those outcomes. Anti-dating, courtship, and purity culture are still promoted within mainstream Christianity. Church culture isn’t learning from the experiences of others. Instead, they shame and blame those who speak up, saying, “You didn’t do it right. You are the one who is wrong.” 

There isn’t space here to go into the depths of how a culture that denies personal autonomy, particularly when it comes to women and children, breeds abuse. We can’t cover how stripping someone of their critical thinking skills in order to instill obedience and “respect” debilitates a person. Don’t even get me started on how ineffective the use of shame is in creating change. Or how absolutely repulsive it is to invoke “divine” authority to control and manipulate. I’m speaking out, contributing my voice to those already sounding the alarm that some dangerous beliefs continue to circulate and need to be re-examined.

More than all of that, it’s helping other survivors that has motivated me to speak up now. I am one of many. There are so many people that have been abused, whether sexually, emotionally, verbally, physically, or spiritually within a construct of their belief system. Knowing I wasn’t alone, finding other survivors, and finally being able to share and process what happened in safe, empathetic spaces helped me heal and reconnect the parts of myself which fractured amidst the trauma. The work is hard, but it is worth it! 

There Is Hope

What happened to me when I was 14 years old does not define me or confine me. It is merely part of my story. I am reclaiming what was taken from me and intentionally creating a life I am proud of and love living. Much of my work with clients is centered around helping them discover the life they want, on their terms, versus subscribing to the life they’ve created based on the scripts of others. 

To my fellow survivors, I see you. I hear you. I BELIEVE you. You matter. You are not alone. What happened to you is not ok. There is hope, and you deserve to heal. 

To everyone else, I would love for you to read the story from my first interview, which includes quotes from some brave and supportive people in my life. Hemant Mehta is a talented writer and provides some very thought-provoking perspectives. 

“At 14, she was “betrothed” to her pastor. She’s finally sharing her side of the story.”

I’m sharing my story in hopes to spark conversations that will lead to change and provide hope to other survivors who perhaps have felt they were alone in their experience. Please feel free to pass along.

The post I’m Sarah Carr. This is my story. appeared first on Sarah Carr Financial.

The post I’m Sarah Carr. This is my story. appeared first on Money Made Meaningful.

There is a mantra within our culture that idolizes a push through, get the job done at all costs kind of attitude. Don’t slow down, don’t pause, keep moving forward, sacrifice everything. We attribute success to specific results, rewards, and oftentimes recognition. We glorify stories of success and accomplishment achieved through hard work, personal sacrifice, grit, and sheer determination. Don’t get me wrong, I get caught up in those stories just as much as the next person. Yet I’m not sure this mantra serves us well, all the time, especially when it doesn’t permit us to take the breaks we need.

COVID-19 has offered us an opportunity to challenge this mantra. In the midst of the shutdown, productivity slowed down not just because people weren’t able to show up physically to work but the mental energy it took to cope with the uncertainty made it harder to work. Many of us just weren’t able to be at full capacity. Most of the collective culture had to slow down, had to pause. Now as the country has opened up again, there’s definitely a collective push to get back to productivity. We’re even hearing concerns being raised that if Americans don’t get back to work fully we will all be in financial ruin. I’m not here to discuss the economics of that specific point at the moment. What I don’t like is the fear this messaging plays on. For all too long productivity and accomplishment in this country have been too closely tied with worth. I see this measure of “worth” show up not just in concerns over how much one has in personal resources but as an indication of the value of one’s very being. 

I’ve been rethinking these messages in my own life. In my early adulthood, I had just come out of some intense trauma and once I began to make money I began to feel stronger and worthy. Having my own money meant I had choices and I could build my own autonomy. The feedback loop created was; I show up for work, I get paid, I work harder, I get paid more and I have the resources I need to create my own life. Yet as a result of that experience and let’s not forget some culture messaging, that subconscious message has morphed into “If I don’t work hard, push through and meet others’ expectations I won’t have enough.” For me, the fear of not having enough evolves into the fear of losing freedom and my ability to make my own choices. And let’s get even more real, when I’m not driving hard I often fear being seen as “not enough”. My response when those fears are evoked is to drive harder. And that’s what I’ve done for 20 plus years. Until I couldn’t.

The trauma I came out of twenty years ago resurfaced in 2019 resulting in me having no other option but to address my mental health needs. Even if I had wanted to (and I did) I could NOT keep up what I considered, and most in the corporate world would consider, a productive pace. Thankfully I was self-employed so I didn’t risk losing my job but the flip side to that is when you’re self-employed if you’re not actively building your business it’s not growing. So it’s not like I didn’t feel the pressure. I did. 

Yet, my fears weren’t realized. Taking the time to attend to my emotional and mental well-being did not result in more feelings of worthlessness, in fact, the opposite occurred it allowed me to strengthen my own self-worth. Opportunities and resources didn’t disappear, in fact, I probably have more now because of where my journey has taken me. Pausing, slowing down, and prioritizing my mental and emotional well-being has not cost me success, maybe changed the definition a little, and it hasn’t cost me freedom or safety. I’ve found I have enough. 

Looking back, I wish I had more permission to do what I needed to do to take care of myself. Thankfully I had a few friends and life coaches that reminded me that there would be a time again where I could run hard but for now take the time to heal. (And they still remind me of this when I have a hard day or series of hard days!) Perhaps you need some permission to take care of yourself, to slow down, to pause for a moment, to do whatever you may need in order to prioritize your own well-being, I hereby grant it!

I’m hopeful that as a culture we’ll all start granting each other more permissions and that we’ll re-examine and re-write the scripts that keep us from seeing that we are more than what we accomplish.

“The outpouring of love and support I’ve received has made me realize I’m more than my accomplishments and gymnastics which I never truly believed before.”

Simone Biles

The post Permission Granted appeared first on Sarah Carr Financial.

The post Permission Granted appeared first on Money Made Meaningful.

The post What’s Going Right? appeared first on Sarah Carr Financial.

The post What’s Going Right? appeared first on Money Made Meaningful.

The post Coping With Our Current Events appeared first on Sarah Carr Financial.

The post Coping With Our Current Events appeared first on Money Made Meaningful.

Many of us have trouble saying “no”. And while we may be very aware of that and are working to change. The mere thought of having to say “no” for fear of disappointing someone or missing out on something can fill us with anxiety.

You may know you should say “no” but uttering those words and trying to find the right way to phrase it can prove to be very difficult. So difficult, that “no” may never be said.

What if you said “yes” instead?

When you live your life guided by what’s really important to you, your values, your passions, your interests, your life’s work, you establish a litmus test to which you can measure opportunities and requests against.  So when something comes up and doesn’t align with what’s really important to you, you can say “no” to that option and say “yes” to your values, your priorities, to your life’s work, the stuff that really matters.

Saying “yes” to what really matters, will by default say “no” to what doesn’t.

It even works in those cases when an opportunity is a good one.  For example, my friend Tara had invited me to do a Brene Brown course with her. You may already know this about me, just in case, let it be said that I love the work of Brene Brown.  I’ve done some of her courses before.  In fact, this latest course caught my attention in my own inbox.  However, I also knew I already had a lot on my plate.  Between my daughter who was only 3 months at the time, and some work initiatives I really wanted to get started on, I knew that the course would probably absorb what little time I did have available, taking my focus away from my current priorities. I knew myself well enough to know that I would love doing the course so much that I would procrastinate on other things, especially those new work initiatives.

The timing just wasn’t right.  I knew this in my heart but I battled internally. I didn’t want to say no for fear of disappointing my friend and for fear of missing out.  What if the course is never offered again?  By the way, anytime fear is presenting this way, you may be seeing things from a scarcity mindset.

In the end, I said “yes” to giving my focus and attention to the two areas that were most important to me at the time, my family and these new work initiatives.  Tara was not disappointed in me, in fact we ended up working closely together.  I even asked her to join me in my new work initiatives. I’m hopeful the course will be offered again but if not, I know there will be other opportunities in the future.  I am so happy with the advancement of my work initiatives that I haven’t once regretted not doing the course.

So instead of focusing on what you are saying “no” to, focus on what you are saying “yes” to.  Are you saying “yes” to what matters most to you?

Not sure what matter’s most to you?  Take the free values assessment to begin the journey to understanding your life priorities.

The post Say “Yes” Instead appeared first on Sarah Carr Financial.

The post Say “Yes” Instead appeared first on Money Made Meaningful.

Let’s explore it a little.

A recently published study by researchers at the University of Cambridge showed that the way we spend our money can directly impact our happiness.

Joe Gladstone, Research Associate at Cambridge Judge Business School and one the authors of the study says, “Spending can increase our happiness when it is spent on goods and services that fit our personalities and so meet our psychological needs.”

How we spend our money can directly impact our happiness.

The study matched participants’ actual bank transactions with personality traits and found that individuals spend more on products that match their personality, and that people whose purchases better match their personality report higher levels of life satisfaction. This effect of psychological fit on happiness was stronger than the effect of individuals’ total income or the effect of their total spending.

“Our findings suggest that spending money on products that help us express who we are as individuals could turn out to be as important to our well-being as finding the right job, the right neighborhood or even the right friends and partners,” stated Sandra Matz a PhD candidate in Cambridge’s Department of Psychology. “By developing a more nuanced understanding of the links between spending and happiness, we hope to be able to provide more personalized advice on how to find happiness through the little consumption choices we make every day.”

Spending in ways that align with who we are as individuals may have a stronger impact on our happiness than our total income and may be as important to our well-being as finding work we enjoy, being with people we love, living healthy and connecting within a community.

The implications of this study have me unbelievably excited!

Through my own experiences working with clients I’ve come to believe that when we allocate our resources, spending money in areas that matter most to us, reflect our personality, and are in line with our authentic selves we find more satisfaction. Our overall wellbeing increases despite our level of spending or income amounts. It takes us out of that place of feeling that we never have enough. The more we’re able to tune into what’s important and who we authentically are, we’re able to be more conscious of our spending and align it with our values.

When we allocate our resources, spending money in areas that matter most to us, reflect our personality, and are in line with our authentic selves we find more satisfaction.

Over the last few years I’ve been working on ways to help clients become more aware of what they value so they can become more intentional about aligning their spending with those values. One of tools I’ve been developing has been a values assessment which identifies 18 personal value types and then ranks them based on responses to 54 scaled statements.  It’s designed to help you differentiate your values based on how you actually live versus what you may “think” is important.

I invite you to take the assessment to help you become more aware of your own values and what’s truly important to you. Once you gain some clarity on your values, you can begin to direct your resources in ways that truly nurture what you value most.

Click here to take the assessment.

See more about the Cambridge study at: http://www.cam.ac.uk/research/news/spending-for-smiles-money-can-buy-happiness-after-all#sthash.giOwpUwY.dpuf

The post Can Money Really Buy Happiness? appeared first on Sarah Carr Financial.

The post Can Money Really Buy Happiness? appeared first on Money Made Meaningful.

The post Are You Exercising Financial Self-Care? appeared first on Sarah Carr Financial.

The post Are You Exercising Financial Self-Care? appeared first on Money Made Meaningful.

These days, it’s a completely different story.  More and more, the question is, “Will I ever be able to afford to retire?  At least in a time frame where I can still enjoy it? ”  There’s an overwhelming sense of disappointment that these clients have.  This isn’t how they envisioned their retirement prospects.  Though, their inability to afford retirement isn’t a complete surprise to them, there’s still a sense of being gypped.  And that’s where the hopelessness sometimes settles in.  That’s the part that really gets to me.  And let me tell you it’s really gotten to me.  Gotten to me so much that it’s inspired me to start researching the issue.

There are lots of studies on our current retirement crisis.  We can read all about the ever-increasing cost of retirement, dwindling pensions, and the potential demise of social security.  We can study numbers and statistics but the numbers aren’t going to provide the kind of help we need right now.

My hope is by hearing the stories of those that have retired and those planning to retire soon I can, not only better understand the challenges facing retirees, but also learn what’s working.  What are the elements that make a happy, successful retirement?  How have retirees adapted to the challenges?  I want to know what the numbers can’t tell me.  Real stories from real people are much more effective in providing insight, the kind of insight that can provide hope and real solutions.

So whether it’s a happy story, sad story or a little bit of both I want to hear it, all of it.  If your hope is to retire in the next 10 years or you’ve retired in the last 10 years; I would love to get your input.  Please contact me to set up a time to share your story with me!

The post Share Your Retirement Story With Me appeared first on Sarah Carr Financial.

The post Share Your Retirement Story With Me appeared first on Money Made Meaningful.

1. Face It Head On. Ok, so you got a little wrapped up in the holiday spirit and bought everyone plus their brother a gift for Christmas, not to mention a few Secret Santa gifts for yourself.  When you’re spending so much out of your normal routine it’s easy to lose track of what you spent where.  You may have used store cards you never normally use or a credit card only used for emergencies.  (That new Christmas sweater seemed like an emergency at the time.)  Now is the time to gather up all that info.  You don’t necessarily have to wait for a bill to come in the mail; most credit cards and store cards all have online access.  So sign up, access your account and find out how much you owe and when. (Personally, I love it when the bill comes in the mail and I’m all like “Yep, I already know and I’ve got it covered! Ha! Take that Mr. Bill! No surprises here.”)  Once you’ve got all that info, you can create a plan on how to pay it back. If it’s too scary to face alone, face it with a friend (particularly one that won’t judge you but won’t let you hide either).

Even if you didn’t blow your holiday budget and managed to keep things in check, managing all of the extra expenses can be challenging.  Pay extra attention to your accounts while the dust settles, and remain flexible.  If there are other expenses that can wait until next month, consider holding off.  Stay in close communication with your partner so you’re both on the same page until things get back to normal.

2. Don’t disown your spending decisions. You made them for one reason or another; own them.  Try to understand why you made the decisions you did.  Personal reflection can be a powerful motivator to change, helping you break free of the same old cycle.  Taking the time to reflect back can help provide insight.

So grab your spending journal and take note on some things while they’re still fresh in your mind.  What was the best part of your holiday season?  Why?  How do you feel about how much you really spent during the entire season (counting parties, food, decorations, all the little extras)?  Would you allocate your resources differently in the future?

 Reflecting on what worked for you and what didn’t can help you better align yourself with what’s really important to you in the future.  Remember, it’s not just about money it’s about your values so don’t limit your reflection to just the monetary stuff.

 Don’t let the weight of holiday expenses bring your down, resolve to manage it and keep your future spending true to what’s really important to you.

The post Cure Your Holiday Spending Hangover With These 2 Steps! appeared first on Sarah Carr Financial.

The post Cure Your Holiday Spending Hangover With These 2 Steps! appeared first on Money Made Meaningful.

When you look at even our very basic expenses, our “needs”, our expectations have changed. A house in and of itself isn’t sufficient anymore. It’s has to have the amenities (walk-in closets, granite counter tops, state of art appliances, etc) Just spend an afternoon watching HGTV. Somehow we feel “less than” if our houses don’t measure up. Or lets talk technology. Cell phones used to be a luxury now I’d say the majority of Americans rank it a necessity. (And they’re not cheap, especially considering how often we upgrade them and the money we spend on data.) Not only have our lifestyle expenses grown but what we consider to be necessities has also changed.

I’m not saying that we can’t have these things or even wanting them is somehow wrong. But we do have to face the reality that we can’t have it all and have it all at once. We have to choose, we have to prioritize. I think that’s where we’re all so scared. We don’t want to choose. We think that if we cut something out we’ll feel deprived.

Happiness researchers prove it’s not the amount of stuff that leads to our happiness. (More doesn’t equate to more happiness.) It’s about the “right” stuff. And that’s where it gets tricky. The “right” stuff is different for each one of us. It’s highly individualized and is based on what we value, what makes us come alive inside. It takes work, though, to discover what that is. It takes introspection and the ability to see what we already have in a new way.  We have to get in-touch with ourselves.

I think perhaps it’s just easier to see and believe an add that tells us, “This will make you happy.”  So we go out and buy that. Or we see a friend who seems happy and buy what they have. We waste a lot of money chasing what we think will make us happy. We spend more in lifestyle expenses. We buy more than we need. We take on more debt. We make poor purchasing decisions.

We’re looking in the wrong places. We’re looking at everything around (external factors) instead of looking within. I believe that when we focus on the “right” stuff, we can actually spend less and be even more fulfilled. Until we change how we measure happiness, how we spend, and what we value we’ll continue heading down the same road of feeling that we never have enough.

The post My Thoughts On Our Top 5 Money Concerns appeared first on Sarah Carr Financial.

The post My Thoughts On Our Top 5 Money Concerns appeared first on Money Made Meaningful.